So, I've been debating this blog for years. Yeah, years.
Coming out is hard whether you're gay, bisexual or anything else. And I think it's extra hard because you know you're going to be questioned, and you may already be asking yourself those same questions.
For the record, I am coming out as Asexual and Aromantic. (Also referred to as Aro/Ace.)
I think for many people who know me, this isn't going to shock them. I've never expressed much interest in dating, sex, romantic relationships, marriage, etc. So I think this "coming out" for me, is just finally labeling something I think I already knew about myself for a long time. Labels can be tricky though.
For a long time, I thought it was so pointless. Why all the weird categories? Why bother labeling yourself as pansexual, bisexual, demisexual...? Aren't people just people? You like who you like, and life's a mystery.
To a certain extent I still think that's true. People are people. Relationships, intimacy, all those things are so personal. Everyone is so different and has different personalities, experiences, backgrounds etc. and there's so much that goes into it.
Even just doing a little bit of research into Asexuality you'll find a hundred little caveats, contradictions, and "it's up to the person".
But I do think labeling it's important. It took me a long time, but I found that when I read about Aromantics, Asexuality, and people's experiences with it, so many of their ideas matched up with mine, it made me feel a little less alone. It made me realize that maybe I was a part of a group. That I wasn't alone in never feeling attraction, in never feeling sexual urges.
Realizing you aren't broken or freaky and that there are other people out there who have the same feelings... that's a powerful thing.
So I'm doing this post for those folks. The people who are still questioning, the ones who need a little guidance, and a little hope for the future.
I first began thinking about labels when I was about 21-22. I heard and read the phrase "Aromantic" a few times and wondered, is that me?
Throughout my growing up, I never really understood romance. I could definitely appreciate it from afar. The stories of the old couple that still get flowers for each other each Valentine's day, I was touched. The Disney movies where the heroine ends up with the dashing prince, I was enthralled. The epic, sweeping romantic passions that thrust a movie's characters into action, I adored.
Though I can see the appeal, I know being able to appreciate it at a distance is all I'm ever going to be capable of.
If I ever imagined myself at the center of these stories, they suddenly fell flat. I didn't want to rush back into a sinking Titanic for a guy. I didn't want to be wooed and perused as the most wanted maiden in all the fairytales. Imagining myself in these stories, all suddenly felt tedious, ridiculous, and corny. The sweet gestures of affection I saw others give each other, a peck on the cheek, a long hug, I could never accept.
I think deep down I knew these things, but in another way, I thought I should want them. Everything so far was telling me that romance is the end all, be all. That relationships are what people find most important, are what most TV shows driving forces are. I thought I should, so I tried. I tried to go on a few dates. I told my friends I had a crush on so-and-so.
So why did I find it repulsive when I found out a boy in my class had a crush on me? Why did I suddenly get a rock in my stomach when the guy I asked to Sweethearts tried to hold my hand? Why did I feel like flirting was fun and harmless until it was directed toward me?
As I was nearing the end of my high school career, a boy I had gone to a dance with a few months prior asked me to go on a group date with a bunch of other kids in our grade. This was the first time I had been asked out. So far I had asked out all the boys I went to school dances with which wasn't surprising. I was shy, stand-offish, and generally unapproachable.
I agreed and we went on the date. I had a good time, but something was niggling at me the whole time. Something didn't feel right. As I was being dropped off I think he wanted to kiss me goodbye. And then I knew. I was having a lot of fun in the group setting, but it was the romantic, date aspects of the day were what were making me most uncomfortable. Then I felt really guilty for even going. Obviously I didn't want to be there.
After that day I promised myself I would never date again unless I really really felt right about it.
Easily one of the best decisions I've ever made. Since I no longer felt compelled to date if I didn't want to, I have literally never dated since. I just had to trust my gut instinct, and I realized, I never wanted to be there. I never wanted to date. I never wanted that romance. Looking back and analyzing all my other interactions in the past I realized I had never sought out or craved romance. Every time I was confronted with it directly I was repulsed.
I was, always have been, Aromantic.
Coming to terms with and being able to label myself that way was such a relief. I no longer had to conform to societal pressures I once faced. I knew who I was. What I wanted and didn't want.
Asexuality came a little later. Defined as not feeling sexual attraction, it's just a bit different than being Aromantic. I don't think I'll go into this one as much since it's a little more personal and... puberty-ish. But suffice it to say, I also realized and have come to terms with the fact that I've never felt that attraction. Of course, my lack of experience might also play a role here. But so far I've never wanted to purely have sex with another person.
Defining and being able to label myself as Aro/Ace has been a long process. Certainly there weren't any hard-and-fast rules. It took a bit of self-analysis and sometimes I think I'm still figuring it out. Some days are different.
Just like your interests, I think your own sexual orientation can be fluid, moving on a scale or spectrum throughout your life. For some it's easy and clear cut, for others, not so much.
Anyway. That's my own story and I encourage others to share their own!
No comments:
Post a Comment